it was like fucking the hulk in a smartcar
my phone is just a graveyard for last nights mistakes. at least it's giving me hints as to where i was though, i'm like carmen sandiego
I told my boyfriend my favorite food was strawberry poptarts, now my email inbox is getting spammed with nude pics of him with his dick in a poptart box..
i told him im from Canada, abortion is free
I havent jerked off in so long, my dick literally prevented me from rolling over in my sleep this morning. new definition of painful?
If I have to go to the hospital can we stop by the liquor store on the way?
the size of his penis is telling me NOOO! but his bank account is telling me YESSS!
Im sweating champagne and woke up in nothing but a tuxedo jacket. What didnt go wrong last night?
I left two hundred in singles in your car sorry about the mess
I'm starting to second guess shaving my vagina over the kitchen sink. The lighting is so much better though.
I made him fuck me with my coat zipped up and a unicorn mask on. That level of drunk sex. Weird and creepy yet highly satisfying.
MIDGETS
????
Do you know how close I got to throwing him over the edge of the canyon?
hes sooooo boring!!! I feel like I’m in a relationship with myself now. I have an 8 inch dildo under my bed, THATS how much I’m in a relationship with myself.
Apparently I told the mayor I want to be a trophy wife
Randomize
