I found your dream girl. She looked 11 but drove and on her key chain it said "if i am not wasted the day is"
You coming home soon, man?
HENBARSCLOSE
On the bright side I still get a $20 referral bonus at the plasma center even though he passed out during donation because he was so high.
The smoke alarm went off as soon as we opened the closet.
He came in 20 minutes late for his final wearing plastic bags on his feet, and a tablecloth cape. Explain.
I'm having flashbacks from last night. Did I admit to pausing Whitney's funeral because I was watching porn? I believe I did.
You showed up to your dad's bday dinner late, dirty, and hungover then proceeded to yell at the bartender for trying to take advantage of you by putting extra bourbon in your drink... Highly doubt you win best daughter award.
Drinking vodka straight from my water bottle because of the debate. I just need to forget.
There is a special place in Hell for whichever one of you put Ben Gay on my dildo. It was a very uncomfortable April 1.
Let the record show that the first hour of my twenty-first was spent shooting tequila ans discussing the emotional integrity of werewolves.
Six words: 3rd Degree Burn On My Dick
I woke up while eating peanut butter from a jar. I don't think I should be social today.
I think i should either cut my hair or buy a dildo.
I danced my ass off after the funeral last night. Kept dropping it low and I can feel it in my legs today. Im like shit I needa go work out
What a way to honor the dead
Why is everyone giving me a hard time for drinking?!
Your in the library.
Randomize
