I can do anything tonight that doesnt involve an erection.
he drove an hour to get eggs with me not even a blow job, just eggs.
She finally woke up and said, "Me- nothing, potato peeler- 1." And rolled back over.
A burger king employee called me from your phone while you were on their bathroom floorl. Hope ur not in jail....4 realz
Fuck you. You would only tell me how to get to your house in Spanish.
(This is the second time ive been high enough to decide to run for office)
its like my brain is a tree and you are those little cookie elves
Lost feeling in my face, my shoe and had a nose bleed. That's not wings. Fuck red bull.
I apparently pulled his dick out at the bar and started yelling "DICK PICS IN REAL LIFE!"
Every time I start to trust vodka, it does this to me.
he asked me if i wanted to hook up & my answer was 'why not'. he came in thirty seconds and the condom broke. it's the love story of the century
How'd your date go last night?
Well I blacked out at 1:30 and woke up naked in not-my-date's bed with an uneaten Jimmy John's sandwich.
So hypothetically speaking.. say someone dropped their birth control pill in a hot bowl of soup, and it possibly disintegrated.. would it be just as useful?
I'm eating chicken wings naked and hungover at 10am... Happy bday to me
It's National Whipped Cream Day, prep those nips
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