My hair reeks of homosexuality.
My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
so i told him i have my period and he put his head by my vagina and said "I HATE YOU!"
Renamed my iPod as 'the titantic' so when I plug it in it's says 'the titantic is syncing.'
My last google search was "mavis beacon techs tping" Thank god google auto corrects bc otherwise i wouldn't know that i drunk-type 13 words a minute.
she has a picture of her daughter riding a giant rooster.. of course i want to make obscene cock jokes
We are getting high tomorrow and being statues at the cafeteria. Come find us.
On duty sugar tits. A Marine never abandons his post to take nudi pics.
Great news I took pics last night
Warning: most of them are of you peeing while I take selfies
Apparently she broke up w/ her bf like 3 weeks ago. She actually called me to be her bday hookup cause she's single now. Patience- the virtue that occasionally pays off.
Yeah started playing at the wedding last night, when the line. "Ludacris fills cups like DD" he starts pointing at my tits right in front of his grandparents.
I have sent texts to the pizza delivery guy telling him he was beautiful. Oh and you almost got a ticket for pissing in public. And I smell like cheese.
I consider walking to the bars and dancing my exercise and I buy doubles so my drinks r heavier so that's my arm workout
And tell your penis that we can hang out tonight for sure.
Drinking is such a hassle. I wish I could just press a button and be drunk.
Randomize
