I'll pay for our taxi if you let me makeout with the drummer and we don't leave RIGHT when the bassist does.
i wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commericals
Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
Apparently, Mom was less-than-happy about us shotgunning beers before we opened presents.
It is a special kind of bonus when you find money you hid from yourself when you were drunk in the tampon box. What did we do last period?
On way back. With a shopping cart. Minimal casualties.
I'M MAKING HIKING PLANS WITH THE GIRL WHO IS DATING MY EX, THAT IS PERSONAL FUCKING GROWTH
I wanna go back to school and change my major to psych just to make a case study out of her
He called his dick the "gentle giant"
I just want somebody who'll randomly bring me pizza and lovingly squeeze my butt. Is there a dating app for that, do you think?
So what you're saying is that The Magic Kingdom is ruining our plans to get laid?
All I've done today is nap, eat candy and get off from my vibrator. I didn't know it was possible to be THIS single.
Wanna see if we can get cut off at bdubs again? The same hipster manager that is younger than us is working again
I mean...he danced with his dick still inside of me. What more could a girl ask for?
Girl just left one of the apts upstairs carrying a giant bottle of kahlula and a lunchable.... I feel like we could be friends
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