I wish there was a morning after pill that made you instantly sober
just accidentally masturbated with tiger balm. best. accident. ever.
Just so we're on the same page, we cannot have been the first people to have ever thought about shooting that guy with crossbow
She says I'm cute and I remind her of her brother. She's too hot to back out now. I don't know. I'm guna go for it.
So how does it feel getting boo'd by the entire 5 guys restaurant
Ok seriously I'm living off of bologna but I have 4 handles in the freezer.
Nicee. Atleast your phone doesn't change pen in to PENISsSSSSSSS like mine does
Sooo the theme of my 21st is rapidly becoming Gay Mexico
Matt. This is the manager of qdoba. Pick up the phone. Your friend needs you.
So we were in bed when his brother walks in, walks over to me, fist bumps me and says he just wanted to say hi, then leaves...so random lmao
we had a full conversation and he only brought up drugs twice. overall I'd call it a success
You put a bag of sliced onions in the microwave then screamed, "voila, onion rings!"
just realized we fucked to the ultimate disney playlist last night. hakuna matata.
Why did my mother make you get naked?
When you puked on me I said to you "we will just say that you threw some mostacholi at me"
Randomize
