marko just referred to some fat asian and a portly friend as Jupiter and one of its moons. unreal. hyte!
I'm peeing chunks and puking liquid. Did I at least have fun last night?
I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
i upgraded from drunk texts to drunk e-mails...real world here i come
Before I left in the morning I deleted her purity ring app off her iPod, I figured it would save her the shame
Your braces fetish is going to end up biting you in the dick.
Nah, I'm just going to keep fucking him until he realizes we're perfect for each other.
Also, I don't remember opening my gifts from my family. It was cool when I woke up with a new ihome.
Just got invited out of group to take shots after hearing her gay friend say "why would I give him my alcohol so you can suck his dick. It's going to be a good night
She looks well worn, presumably from a cavalcade of penis.
Do you remember the bathroom attendant when he put out his hand for a tip and you gave him a high five?
Hooray! My email address wasn't leaked by Ashley Madison!
I will chop off your penis
I have a knack for carnage and poetic language.
Tell him that his phone is taped to the dog's stomach. Stop trying to call it because it makes him scared.
My life is in shambles. Just made a grilled cheese in the microwave on a hot dog bun
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