it doesn't mae me god, the fact that I am god makes getting dressed futile and tedious... btw i am still drunk
She'll never know what hit her
I dunno. Girls tend to recognize ball-to-chin contact.
i'm having a wet tshirt contest with myself and yet i'm still losing
I fukin lobve the states. Girls here let me fuck them because they like my accent. I may not go back
Just got thank you sex for shoveling the driveway. I cant wait for the next blizzard
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
Most awkward car ride ever. Kid in the front seat was bawling, 2 in the backseat were ready to fight, and I was giving the last kid a handie. This needs to stop happening to us.
I don't remember much but I think I'm wearing your underwear, and for that, I am extremely grateful.
As his dick went in he shouted GOAL at the top of his voice.
What?! Why else would they put table cloths on a table if not for discreet oral sex? That's why they were invented! Read a book...
My head feels like Jesus is projectile vomiting hammers on it
This morning was so rough I can't even. I was cutting up vegetables for my omelet on the floor. THE FLOOR. I sat on the floor because I felt like I was gonna vom.
we got cupcakes after we fucked. gives a whole new meaning to sugar daddy
You're wearing pigtails and giving away our kitchen appliances. Clearly, you're drunk.
How is it possible for someone who gets so many dick picks sent to her, to be experiencing such a complete and utter lack of dick IRL.
Randomize