There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
I woke up and went to my kitchen naked and decided I wanted a fruit cup. Ate said fruit cup. Look over and notice my male neighbor is staring at me
it's like her boobs came off with her bra
He's in bed with me right now. I'm wearing a towel and all I could wish for is my freedom. And pizza.
i know this sounds kinda weird but his cock smelled like fabric softener. it was so refreshing.
I really think that guy just walks around with tennis balls in his pocket. No dick is that big
Yeah, but she is forever sending my vagina on some sort of mission.
I like to feed my guinea pigs before I get stoned. In case they get contact high and get the munchies. It's only polite.
I was just shot with a dart gun by one of my coworkers while walking to the printer. Ironically I was printing my resignation letter...
There is absolutely a 0% chance my hips will make it out of this twerking business fully functional
Uber driver offered to have sex with me since I went home solo. - rock bottom
And thanks for putting me in that safety position on the bathroom floor while I was spooning the toilet
Woman doing my Brazilian right now says to tell you she says hi...what has our life come to?
Congratulations on giving me my first and second hickeys last night. I made it almost 30 years without one, but who needs class these days?
I'm gonna ask his dad. Weed trumps broken heart any day.
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