Three questions. How does a tomato drive a car, how does an asparagus play a guitar, and how am I still so high that I chose to watch Veggie Tales?
Hate sex is AWESOME! I faked it, and when she fell asleep i came in her purse.
Dude, I couldn't come. She sounded like a goddamn dying walrus.
well, i woke up this morning to a note i left myself my dry erase board, "dear you: i had sex with someone awful."
Her boyfriend was hitting on other girls while drunk. But, she said she was okay with it because she is a feminist and she supports all women's decisions.
Dude, the coffee is horrible this morning, Cass changed something about it
We ran out of Bailey's Irish cream...
This is what regular coffee tastes like?!?! Fuck the adult life.
Seeing your one night stand on campus never gets less awkward. Why is Subway the only good place to eat?
I'm sure it's not the worst thing to ever come out of my ass
So do you want to hear how I got the hickey first, or how I got the black eye?
Well he was saying something about being emotionally unavailable since his dad died, but then I blew him in a tree and he shut up
I think I almost ran over some kid I went to high school with. Guilt factor: moderate to low.
Don't go to jail over some guy named Bunky
You didnt text me.. I'm on your street with golf clubs
He lured me round with the prospect of sex and then made me proofread his CV and spoon. I fucking hate this guy.
I will feel awake by 6 pm
Are we not meeting until 6?
No I'm just saying thats usually when my body knows it's time to party
Randomize
