new excercise plan: walk a mile get a bj then walk a mile home
I imagine my 13 hours of sleep after my 3 day upper bender was similar to Jesus rising from the dead.
And then I interrupted the father of the groom, to ask if she was "ballet or pole" in the middle of his story about his niece, the dancer.
We pulled over so he could pee and the next thing I know he's running down the hill by himself with his pants down
Before you say anything, my vagine does NOT discriminate against young dads
I was still in a towel. We hadn't even started drinking yet and the champagne bottle dropped and exploded literally up into my vagina.
I will call him whatever I please, including flaccid dick on forehead guy but not limited to watermelon cunt head.
He told me he wanted to show me something beautiful, then just started peeing off the bridge into oncoming traffic
Breaking into his house to steal the sheets I'd drunk pissed on before he got home was not how I wanted to be spending spring break
Awwww breaks my heart, I just wanna fix his teeth and give him a blowjob.
He told me if he passed out to wake him by sitting on his face, and if he suffocated at least he would die happy. Found the one.
I was walking out of the bar when he said I'll see you later and I said I'll see you in my dreams and then fell face first and broke my nose
So, were you planning on telling me you left your panties in my glovebox??
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
Coworker just walked in thirty minutes late reeking like weed and clutching a handful of scratch-off tickets. Also, there’s still a stripper pole in my office. Happy Wednesday!
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