I haven't been this sober since birth.
I think I know how big ted kennedy's penis is.
You told me you were pretty sure you were god because you knew everything about everyone.
I woke up hungover and opened my laptop to find that i had googled alcoholism again
The only thing I accomplished today was naming the bag of wine I've been drinking
Why did you send me 12 pictures in a row of your expressionless face at 2:30 am?
Sadly, she's the porn star that got away
Piñatas plus fireworks don't mix well
That isn't the worst part. It got a bazillion times more awkward when he read me a poem he wrote about his dead cat.
This is like a walk of shame down memory lane.
Where'd you go?
Laundry, im. A responsible drunk
I like to make sure they know it's casual by giving then a high five after sex
Something is wrong here. The birds are chirping and I'm not fucking you, I'm not getting head and I don't smell bacon. Why am I up this early then?
He fucked me harder than I've ever been fucked before and afterwards he started crying and profusely apologizing to god and baby Jesus for his sin.
My orgasm happened in two different decades
Randomize
