I think scott just propositioned me for sex
His moose knuckle keeps winkin at me
I'm drinking Dom Perignon from the bottle with a straw just to piss of some french dude.
Are you still at the party or did I leave?
he came over wasted, used the bathroom, drank some water, and fell asleep holding my hand. what kind of a fuck buddy does that??
didn't know how to tell his mom I was confused about how long we'd been together because we banged for a full year before making it official
The guy in front of me got in the club with his green card, that's awesome
Uggh answer your phone, you are the only one I know who'll be proud of what I woke up next to this morning .
Dipping doritos in ranch. Why doesn't he love me?
IT'S A HOLY FESTIVAL. A BUDDHIST CELEBRATION OF PENIS.
AND HOLY SHIT FLUBBER IS ON NETFLIX
You'll be happy to know that the bruise is gone from my cock
It's going to turn into you and me throwing down in a devastating lip-synch battle while everyone else stands around awkwardly.
If I make it through this whole bridesmaid process without anyone knowing that I actually hate everyone but the bride, including the groom, I deserve a complimentary bottle of vodka.
friends who go to the bar together leave the bar together and im not leaving you behind ohana means family
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