Hey man sorry I got all grabby
I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
I just sold weed to a guy holding a baby...does this make me a bad person?
Dood you jacked it to warcraft. you can't come back from something like that
I gambled and lost. Had to pull into a funeral home to clean up with a copy of my resume.
is it bad that I only want to go to my boyfriends house bc I want to see his roomate walk around with his shirt off?
No it's ok. I made friends with the guy that always wears helmets to the bar. His name is helmet Harry
She tried to sit inside the drawer to my dresser and when it broke, she burst into tears calling herself fat. Too high to deal with this
Roommate is hosting a 'sorority retreat' at our house. If you need to get laid, stumble on over.
You called his parrot a seagull, a pigeon and a rat with wings, and told it to go eat Cheetos out of a dumpster.
Thanks for being the best husband and reassuring my fuck buddy that you're comfortable with my adultery. You da real MVP.
He got me to hold his phone, wallet, keys and pants while he hooked up with another girl.
He paid for a 5 star hotel suite and I raided the mini bar after he left. I think that’s bad karma. Want some pringles?
So this is what bad decisions tastes like...
Randomize
