Baby momma caught me doing baby daddy in reverse cowgirl. She kicked me out and i have no clothes, come get me.
I hope you walked the shit out of that shame.
I just spent the past twenty minutes checking out a girl who turned out to be a mannequin. I need AA.
I just stole a cupcake from somebody's bottle service
And I got $4 when somebody made it rain.
you trust me enough to eiffel tower a girl but don't trust me with a mallet wtf happened to our friendsship
we went to the bar with our boss and you tried to play a song from the atm machine
It feels like there's puke trying to explode out of me from behind my eyeballs.
I only got lap dances from the ugliest strippers, i couldnt stop myself from laughing the entire time.
On a scale from 1 to the worst weekend of my life, that was an 11. I can see again, though.
Omg. The news was on TV while I was giving him a bj...when the weatherman said its a beautiful start to December, he groaned and said it sure is.
Can't tell if its the LSD or if that demon man just stared at my penis. Cleveland is a weird place. All true stories.
I would've fucked Winston Churchill - rode that D like I was going into battle.
Nothing ruins an orgasm faster than accidentally calling out his boss's name
SHE POOPED THE CONDOM WHOLE
I'm sorry but it's something you and your A cups wouldn't understand.
I'm sitting in the car vaping at an elementary school to try and deal with the stress of existing. About how i thought being 30 would go for me tbh
Randomize
