sitting next to michael phelps in the airport. wonder if he's carrying...
i think you walked me home, then i felt bad for putting you through the trouble so i walked you home...i'm not sure how i got home after that.
I'll be heading downtown with donuts and a lawn chair at 9am to go Halloween Walk o' Shame spotting.
im wtih 32a right now bc 34d is on her period. now i know how girls feel when their hookups go from magnums to regulars
I just saw someone EAT a flashcard out of frustration. Finals suck.
Omg. The nephews found my stripper pole. The scary part is theyre good at it.
please come upstairs a drunk asian is lying down n the middle of my room and i don't know him
Apparently we don't communicate very well unless we're drunk and/or naked
"I'm 95% straight," he says. Cut to him on his knees...by far the most beautiful guy I've ever fucked.
Congratulations, you have turned my vagina into a garden hose.
I was told that I need a reference for my blow job skills. Be expecting a phone call tomorrow.
I just got called the stable friend. This makes me super uncomfortable
And here I thought that was one nut sack too many
PLEASE AT LEAST MEOW SO I KNOW YOU AREN'T DEAD
I was doing handstands in the jail cell and crying “IM A HIGH SCHOOL TEACHER AND IT’S CHRISTMAS EEEEEVE”
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