I'm gonna start referring to my vag as my ladygarden
I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
I wish there were whore gnomes that cleaned our apartment when we were gone.
I went down on her for at least a half hour, She loved it, so I thought she'd recip. She said "I only do that if I know I'm getting something out of it."
SHUT IT DOWN.
Just took 4 secret shots in his bathroom to not remember him naked.
Just got hit on by a middle-aged puerto-rican clown who told me that it would be bad to date someone who offers to buy me coffee and makes something of themselves. I love the NY subway.
He's just sitting there staring at my sisters teddy bear hoping it will come to life.
Just had the "whores are people too" talk with Mom. Bright side it's Christmas, and I may have been drunk, I don't think she caught on.
Ever walked into a basement full of 10 guys jerking it to a live stripper? Cause I have. Always confirm the address of a house party. Always.
I'm fucking a man old enough to be my father who is also dating my boss. What have you done with your life?
I think you should do the fixer upper relationship. Like lawyers do pro bono work with underserved populations, you can do pro bono relationship work.
Dude. I need you to practice dancing around in your banana hamock. Party boy style. I'll call later with details.
Tell him to put up or shut up. Can't be dangling dick in front of ho's without delivering.
It's just disrespectful
I'm feeding a baby and swiping on tinder...what has my life come to?!?!
I told him I might be pregnant and he said he'd buy me a test and a twix bar. I'm marrying him. Tomorrow.
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