Just hungoverly hit my funny bone with a hot straightener. Triple threat.
Just saw some girl biking on campus with a babyseat on the front. Baby included. Do you know how many points that'd be worth?
he offered to walk down from the bar this morning to my house and bring me a guinness...
how romantic. its the irish mans version of flowers
Welp, she's chewing our paper towels again. She's like an obnoxiously hot puppy
its fine. mom just made me chug a long island. and made a crying face when i balked. we'll talk tomorrow.
Either I'm deep cleaning my apartment out of severe academic procrastination or I'm subconsciously nesting and need to take a pregnancy test.
Sitting in airport bathroom. Guy walks into toilet next to me and announces "I want to apologize to the entire airport for what I'm about to do"
The security guard popped his head over the mens room door and goes "nice tits- now get out." Deer in headlights moment right there.
WHY DIDN'T YOU INVITE ME TO RUN THROUGH TACO BELL'S SPRINKLERS AT 4AM?!
I think I'm going to give him a welcome back to single life blow job
Call me and get me out of this conversation NOW. My coworker is talking to me about her birds having sex again...
You were giving me all the reasons why being the big spoon is such a responsibility, and how you wish you were a girl cause the little spoon does nothing
I just made myself orgasm twice and Laura lee hit 4 million subscribers. It’s a good day everywhere
there is definitely a hickey on my left nipple.
he would NOT stop making out with my stomach! creeeeeepy
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