You guys coming?
We are smoking out the bouncer? But after that sure
I found the orange juice, it was hiding in the vodka...trickster.
Ambien does the same to me. One time that I took it, I got this huge bowl of spaghetti out of the fridge and thought it was a castle and that the meatballs were little slaves. I ate all of them first and then the noodles were the soldiers and the sauce was the water in the moat. And when I finished, I fell up the stairs and threw it all up.
I'll trade you a raw potato for some vodka
franzia sundays are my new favorite holiday
It's my fault I'm alone. My closest relationship is with my blackberry....thank god it vibrates.
It was the gentlest way I could hit on a girl who just got hit by a car
I don't care. I'll text you about my butthole whenever I please. That's what you signed up for in this relationship.
On a scale of 1-10 how seriously are we considering being sugar babies?
I'm about a 7.95
She told me a motorboat isn't successful unless they come out gasping for air. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED!!!
this dude, we had a connection. he kept smiling at me. it's like he knew i was gonna facebook stalk the fuck out of him
I've found my soulmate with the cardboard Dos Equis man.
I'm like 'WOMAN, YOU'RE 62, RESHEATH THOSE COUGAR CLAWS.'
Our fake lesbian relationship is better than her real relationship. Bitch be jealous
Straight boys are literally imbeciles. If Darwinism doesn’t get them female rage will.
Randomize
