M and I are hungry and we are making your pizza in the fridge. But you're having sex and we're not so we dont feel bad.
it felt like the flash was giving me a handjob
I just saw a Kleenex commercial and thought about last night. I'm sorry about your hair.
how can i incorporate a boy scout uniform into what i do tonight?
I thought about farting is his face when he was going down on me last nite.
he let me wear his jacket and there was a magnum and a bowl in his pocket ... I think im in love
I do what I can to inject something into your life every day. Today, humor. Saturday. Penis.
I just spent 30 minutes cleaning out my coleman grill. Did you really have to have grilled yogurt?
This football player keeps talking about his drunk dad. I think he may start crying. Does this deserve a roll tide?
there is a guy passed out on top of me and i don't know what to do. help if you're awake? was anyone anyone expecting someone? maybe he found the wrong room?
I'm sooo hungover. I fell asleep on top of a car in a parking lot last night. New one to add to the list.
I fucking love my neighbors. I offered him chocolate and somehow it turned into a sexual proposition.
you said "i met the love of my life tonight" and i said "me?" and you said "no, hummus"
For a man with no legs he was surprisingly good at doggy style.
I don't know whether to high-five you or stage an intervention.
Woke up way too warm in the middle of a spooning sandwich. Was working up a rant about still not wanting a threesome. Then I realized the littlest spoon was the dog. Might need to break up anyway.
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