Dude, this chick just tossed my salad hard. All that I could picture was a dog trying to get the last of the peanut butter out of the jar of Jiff and trying not to think of how grotesque my last dump was.
Then she tried to kiss me and I wouldn't and she got pissed off and went to sleep. Then about an hour later, her kid called her. She went home and on the way out I told her to wash her mouth before she kissed her kid good night. Weird night..
I'm about two and a half drinks away from gay.
I'm coming over.
So I have exactly 420 dollars saved up in tips from the past week. I win, and I take that as a sign from god that I am allowed to use that money to buy drugs.
my bed looks and feels like i need to buy plan b.
It was only 12:11 and I needed to make a Pepto Latte and call it a night, I don't remember that being part of my new years resolution.
Legit I think I might have gotten hepatitis C from licking the window of that last cab.
I found a bag of weed while packing. Now packing is like creating tiny universes inside of boxes.
Just jerked off with bubble wrap. Not as awesome as it sounds.
I hopped in a random dudes car outside the strip club at 3pm on a Sunday and said "Follow that car!"
I just realized that the first thing he ever bought me was Plan B.
He took initiative. Dragged me into the kitchen and did me on the stove....while it was on! And then we made nachos.
I'm in his bed with no pants on and he's just eating a sloppy joe
I have 3 bottles of vodka in my room telling me not to go to work tomorrow.
Pretty good. Thinking about getting day drunk and filling out job applications so I don't hate myself as much
I hate when I wake up and find my vibrator next to me. Such a waste of an orgasm...getting myself off in my sleep and not remembering
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