The more my room-mate speaks, the more I notice that she was home schooled.
My warmest regards to the fish in that koi pond I puked in.
apparently i'm the only person who has heard from her since saturday. she texted me "burt reynolds" at 2am sunday
Just caused a nice traffic jam while trying to park at Costco. Too high to drive.
I just woke up in his house on his bathroom floor with an IV in my arm.
She cheated on me with the same state trooper that wrote me a ticket.
I guess now you have a way to keep your license when you bring that up in court.
Dude, you are the most awesome.
You did a line of free coke with an obese Slovenian unlicensed cab driver in the toilets of the most questionable strip club in the country. New low man.
When you put it like that, I'm inclined to agree.
Walked up in time to hear him say "you saw I was in a relationship on facebook? So why are you holding my nuts?" To her. That's loyalty man
Just pulled a Kenny Powers on a snowmobile
Is it weird that the cop that arrested me called me twice to tell me that I left my ring at the police station
because. if I can't sit outside naked and eat my watermelon every morning then I really don't see the point in moving in with you.
These are the last few fleeting sober moments of the day for me. If there is anything you need me to do today, please tell me now
I let him stay at my place since i had to work early and when i got home there was a fruit snack wrapper in my bed. I dont have any fruit snacks. Which means he brought his own fruit snacks to the fuck session.
He has no idea I'm scrolling through Instagram while he's going down on me. I'm so bored.
I HAD SEX WITH COLBY AND HIS FIVE YEAR PLAN IS TO STEAL A REALLY EXPENSIVE PAINTING AND ASKED ME IF ID BE INTO HELPING HIM AND I WOKE UP IN HIS BED TO A WOMANS TUBE TOP NEXT TO ME
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