Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
She told me a very interesting story, complete with pantomimes, about how she got a habanero seed in her vag
Saw a guy pass out and hit his head on a urinal. Laughing too hard to help him up
I spiked my fruit smoothie. Taking bikini season diet to a whole new level
She said her hobbies include bangin guys on one night stands and then sending them facebook relationship requests the next morning just to freak em out
Im sleeping in your bed. Sorry for the sand and the noise and the loud people. Im starving
Your blankets are not drunk friendly
My life has become one weird ass game. No one wins. No one loses. We all just kind of hang in limbo and hope we don't die. Eskimo sisters for life. Please have sex with one of them.
If you're not going to call the girls I bring around by name, at least don't call them by number. It's been cockblocking since girl #47. Dick.
Get the cougar, get the cougar, get the cougar. Act like an injured baby deer. She will either eat you alive or nurse you back to health either way its still sex.
Tell me again why I left before the topless cake fight
Everyone here is taking crazy amounts of mescaline and I'm just over here like hey have you tried the pretzel rolls mmm
We left the bar and you kept yelling "ONWARD SCION, TO GLORY!!"
Accomplishment of the day: changing my tampon at 38,000 ft with turbulence. Fasten seatbelt sign was definitely on.
Willing booties have sort of a tractor beam for me.
Totes just ripped ass and the bartender's eyes got wet
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