all i know is i woke up with a braid in my hair and i vaguely remember a cab driver telling me he would give me $10,000 to get him a green card. and he would take me to turkey. and give me free cab rides. im never drinking on my medicine again. lol.
No, that was before the police came, but after the hooker.
he showed up at my house with a hand-stiched sweater that said "girlfriend?"
the realtor just asked me if i've ever made meth on this property.... i need to do something about my hair
they were having a wine tasting so i tasted every wine...then knocked over an entire display of gourmet olives and was asked to leave... but they still let me buy my 6 bottles of wine before escorting me out
i knew it was time to leave the bar when i caught myself doing karate dance moves with a married man.
I'll be in my room with a breakfast burrito at 2:30. It's up to you...
I am not being the messenger for your booty call.
I spoon fed you cheerios when you were black out drunk. You owe me one.
If you need to be the damsel in drunken distress make sure it's before 3.
There was a slutty maid costume on the floor when I woke up, but the house was trashed. Either she's been fired or got promoted, I'm not sure which.
Why am I sticky / covered in baby Tylonel?
Today is my 3 year wedding anniversary...and I've seen three different dicks.
He dated a girl who could do the damn splits on his dick like how do you compete with that
And with the bitter taste of failure in my mouth, i am off to pub to drown it in tequila and 19 year olds, so in the morning i can add pregnancy and stds to my list of problems.
How did i spend $200 last night?
Every time you went to get me a drink, you also came back with shots. Then you fell down the steps.
Randomize
