New low. Found an ant nibbling on my last xanax. Flicked it away and popped it in my mouth anyways.
Trying not to fart in the comp lab is going to take everything i've got.
First date. He's wearing a tuxedo shirt and keeps asking me about our future children. Escape plan #3 is now in action...
Apparently you get kicked out of gay bars if they catch you putting the entire free condom bowl in your purse.
Apparently I blacked out and pissed all over the sliding glass door from the inside, as everyone watched from the outside helplessly....
Even the paramedic said "what a way to kill a party"
The port-a-pottys are knocked over so I have nowhere to sleep.
Dude she's famous. She's on an episode of campus pd. Can't not fuck her
You really realize what your life's become when you're sitting alone in the house crying in a santa hat and pjs getting stoned on christmas eve before noon.
I think it's safe to say taking shots on the way to the emergency room was rock bottom. We're going to need to think of ways to top that between now and next new years eve...
You insisted we help some homeless guy put up posters for his missing pet alligator so we left you there because they were really just Chinese takeout menus.
Don't worry I'm alive. The apt is all locked up so I'm sleeping on the patio. The frozen pizza I got might be toast unless someone lets me in soon. If not its all good I'll be here snoring on the patio
Dude, chad is laying across the room, violently, passionately, pornographicly eating something and I seriously think the 'some thing' is fighting back.
Definitely just poured my beer into a McDonald's cup so I could walk through Walmart without judgment. 'Murica.
All I want is to get shitfaced and fuck random strangers is that really to much to ask?
Randomize
