grandma shit on top of the toilet
how are you not completely traumatized after 8 years of friendship with me?
We need to stop celebrating holidays that dont belong to us
I keep waking up with the nagging feeling I gave him half a hand job through his shorts.
Thank you for holding my bra last night while i did a topless lap around the house
So idk if it's because I'm working out again or the coke, but I hit my target weight today. Whaaaat uuuup. Come and get me thanksgiving.
Tried making out with pop rocks in my mouth. That shit is magical.
You asked me if I was judging you for being drunk, and if I can hypnotize you make sober.
I just baby talked my cat. While getting ready for bed... Before 10 on a Friday. I'm officially a cat lady.
I know, it's just the worst. Also, security almost took the burrito I brought for lunch. I thought I was going to have to pull a Liz Lemon and eat the whole thing before I could go through.
Omg last night I was giving shots out like I was the Willy Wonka of the alcohol world.
my god I love twenty year old dicks
I'm upset for all the future generations who can't drunkenly get cheesy bread
ARE YOU OKAY?
Physically? Yes. Morally? No.
I got caught throwing up in my daughters princess potty... On the bright side it played a rewarding tune afterwards.
Randomize
