I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
i'm thankful for my girlfriend's hot cousins....god, i love her family parties.
i don't know where i am. i made bad decisions. i think this guy is dead.
all i remeber is falling off a fence and banging him in the middle of the street, not sure which one gave me this cut
at what point did you see referring to the bartender as 'the white precious' a good idea??
And then I asked the bartender for my third shot and he told me he had to cut me off at two because this was in fact a family fun center
Is there really anything more beautiful than opening a fresh box of wine on a Friday afternoon?
Tell them you aren't trying to make money, you are just the mr rogers of weed,its such a good feeling a very good feeling the feeling you know that were friends
Trust me man, I did not put any cookies down your pants when you slept.
In brighter news I got condoms and a mattress protector today.
There was another blizzard last night and at one point I was drinking 3 beers at once. Driving home didn't seem like a wise option
He fucking took my shirt off and didn't even touch my boobs. What the actual fuck.
Why do all the Father's Day cards talk about what a great dad they are? Why can't there be one that says something like "Thanks for sticking it to mom and making me possible, your sperm was appreciated."
Pants are for mortals
she said. She was going to, and I quote, "put her vagina inside my dick".
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