Sometimes I forget to take my socks off when I masturbate. This always makes me feel like I'm accidentally in a porn.
today is like waiting for pizza day in elementary school, but with sex added
Just bought a McDouble with a tightly rolled dollar. The lady just gave me a sad face...
We officially wrote our house rules 1. We do not waste alcohol 2. Pinky promises mean something 3. Don't leave your facebook open, and if you do, don't complain 4. Never refuse cuddle or catch phrase
I wanna give a stern lecture to whoever invented pants cause they are hard right now
how sketchy is it to eat a candy wrapped in masking tape from reggae night? because we totally just split it...
I just saw a commercial for God of War and heard the nickname he gave my vagina.
I can only only sleep there on nights I orgasm cause he snores so loud and if he leaves me hanging one more time ill probably cut off his dick from lack of sleep and frustration
Will give head in exchange for a Netflix password. Serious inquiries only please.
My homemade mace ate through its aluminum container. I make awesome mace.
I am just glad I was home to catch most of it, cause it smells BAD.
I'm not a scientist but that could be because it's homemade mace. That is however just a hypothesis
Woke up this morning with fake blood all over my bed which is a positive considering last year it was all real blood
Having to crawl on my hands and knees because I woke up with a mysterious broken foot this morning...
HahahahahaHAHAHAHAHAHAHA MY LIFE IS A CAUTIONARY TALE
I kid you not. He let me in into his house, showed me the putt putt in his backyard. Offered to play me.
Happiness is laying in bed, topless, pouring 4 packs of hot sauce on your taco bell.
Randomize
