I just cut my nipple shaving
I picked my nose. Flicked it. I heard it hit something. Next thing I know, it's floating around in my wine glass.
The only coherent words in the 6 texts i recieved were don't, cute, fucking, beer, and lions
Its that time of week again, Bad life decision wednesday
i woke up and the dog was eating spaghetti off my chest.
if there weren't so many witnesses I 100% wouldve punted that squirrel
Fuck him for salsa, please. I heard its a good recipe.
He won't let me go to the bars unless I can manage to get flip flops on.
Sounds like he's doing this for your own good...
It was right before we played jenga with champagne glasses for a good half hour
LinkedIn just suggested I might know the guy I caught my wife fucking.
You shouted, "LOOK I'M HAWKEYE," and beaned mike with a dildo from across the room.
So after I fell off 4 times we concluded I'm not allowed to ride him anymore.
Went to the lab to print and realized the guy next to me was the one we stole all the beer from last night..... Oops
also, i'm not sure if i'm proud to say this but our regional manager's hot fiance was grinding on me at the reception while he stood and watched.
i suppose that explains why he told me he plans on promoting you this Friday.
Bro, I was just laying in bed with this girl and her boyfriend came an woke me up
Randomize
