It's like Facebook knows when I'm about to masturbate and tells me to reconnect with exes.
In my 8 am class there was a pack of birth control on the board with a note saying, "Some dude somewhere is unhappy."
I have the Lakers game on, but all I can think about is having sex with you. Not sure what you've done here.
No, seriously, 1.5 gallons of sangria plus two days of untapped cock. Waiting here. For you.
woke up this morning in the hall outside of my parents room with a sign taped to myself that said "im sorry"...
I like to think of it as a lesbian feast.
Public service announcement: if you would like to continue receiving blow jobs, a 25% increase in fuck-giving will be expected immediately, and you're expected to give an actual flying fuck at least once a week. Brought to you by the ad council.
I'm going through what feels like a break up with beer. I'm emotionally distraught from it's lack of presence.
HEY. NO. THIS IS ABOUT YOU RIGHT NOW. YOUR COCK, MY MOUTH, THATS IT.
I know. His dick was small at the top and got bigger at the bottom, like a fucking curling wand.
All because of that GODDAMNED MIKE PENCE.
I duct taped a bottle of vodka to the back of your closet while you were sleeping in case of emergencies. Go rip it off, it's going to be a long night.
Can you get the dildos out of the shower before the maids come?
last night you said that you wanted to hold my dick as you slept because it was like having a stuffed animal.
Mom just walked in on a bj. IT'S WHATEVER.
Randomize
