This is the worst date ever. Pls kill me. No, wait, scratch that, stick to the original plan of killing Paris Hilton, I'll live though this
if she shaves her mustache, i'll let her give me head
i don't care who i fucked last night, until im at 43plus im not considering myself slutty
You tried to pay the bartender in graduation checks, I think you'll be fine in the real world.
Whoever put the tambourine in the dryer is a douche. Worst hangover wakeup ever
does she really think making her boyfriend delete me on facebook is going to magically stop us from hooking up?
you smelled like vodka, i think that's why my grandma liked you
I puked on myself in front of a customer. all. over. myself. thanks Saturday nights
It would be like a dance party with a dick inside you. I think that's what Ke$ha wants for the world.
We hotboxed his closet and accidentally lit some of his shirts on fire... do we have a fire extinguisher?
I didn't mind you coming over, just I'm quite sure most booty calls don't involve a scavenger hunt...
Question #1: Why am I on my living room floor? Question #2: Where did the bloody footprints come from? Question #3: Why are there two McChickens next to the wine bottle?
Actually we have similar relationship styles aka no relationship... it could work
Can you come over?
Sex??
Sure but there’s also a squirrel in my garage I need you to take care of.
Is it acceptable to bring pot to a funeral or am I going to have to do this shit sober?
Randomize
