Just saw a guy at the gas station legitimately dressed in exactly what my costume was last night. Fuck his life.
This isnt meant to be as creepy as it sounds, but do you seriously want a lock of the hair I cut off?
Remind me never to take that much Vicodin ever again. I laid in bed measuring my heart rate for an hour and a half because I was afraid it would stop.
You should really trust me on this one. "hit it and quit it" might not be the best career move on your part...
These are all good points. But, I think your under estimating what it's like to be held upside down for a standing 69
I had a drink called "the white nun." It tasted like Marshmallows, and celibacy.
Although a guy bought me a shot of fireball last wknd and I told him he wouldn't even get half a handjob for that and walked away so don't tell me I don't have standards
The other day I was really high and I felt like my words were coming out of my mouth in flowers...I don't know.
Holy sore nipples Batman
fries before guys. food before dudes. shakes before dates. chips before dicks. lemon bars before football stars. macaroni before screwin' tony. what i'm saying is please come to ladies' night
PENIS EMOJIS WOULD MAKE MY LIFE SO MUCH EASIER GAH WHY DOES THE WORLD HATE ME
I woke up with my shoes still on and my pants around my ankles cause I couldn't get them over my shoes
So, if you eat too many protein bars, you will shit your pants. This I learnt today..... at work.
Dude, A DAMN CHEESEBURGER HIT ME IN THE FACE!!! WTF was i suppoused to do!?.
I always know im high when I can't remember how to pee.
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