I told my new friends about my possible new chin. They said I should get my nose done first. Please tell me I'm pretty or something.
I swallowed your vile semen and you don't know what color my fucking eyes are!?
He just said "Chunky" very loudly in his sleep.
sexting on a treadmill. speed 9.0 beat that slut!
I told him I'd rather have sex with his father last night. I'll admit now that I was drunk.
she was talking at me constantly for like 20mins. i kept praying for a brain hernia but it kept not happening...
i had to sit with a fan pointed directly to my vag for a good 10 minutes
Also I've decided that I'm buying the next friend of mine who is dumb enough to get married a live porcupine as a wedding present.
Dude he did say "let's go cougar hunting" and you KNEW your mom was going out last night...so it's kind of your own fault for not coming
I have a cracked rib, no way in hell I'm bottoming for him tonight!
My brother walked up to us as we were making out and was like "hey man, go to town!" and winked
I'm at a first year old's birthday party and a midget dressed as a cop just showed up. Word is we're going to toss and bowl with him. Updates to come.
TFW YOU ACCIDENTALLY SEND A MEME ABOUT LIKING ANAL TO THE GROUP CHAT. JESUS FUCKING CHRIST, WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME?
I think I kinda scared him when I tried to wrap his snake around his dick while he was trying to nap.
Plus he probably didn't want to be at home, alone... Jacking off on the big screen without you there to lend a helping hand. I mean, let's be honest. It's not fun if it's not a little weird.
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