I saw two morbidly obese women get winded after fighting over the last motorized wheelchair at Walmart
These are the moments in life you observe a force greater than us at work
I swear, you have an app for that. "Attention: your boyfriend is pooping. Place call?"
if by 'bottleservice' you mean 'bringing beers in my purse' then yes, we are.
I just watched 2 blind guys walk into each other head on in providence. It pays to pregame in your car.
Dude also, my grandma got me condoms for easter and kind of winked. I don't know what to think
THERE ARE ENTIRELY TOO MANY HOT UNDERAGE GIRLS HERE FOR THIS TO REMAIN LEGAL.
Dude. Remember the only two rules I set for that? Always have a sober friend and don't do drugs with a fat chick.
This guy punched out a light, puked in the sink, stole the mailbox, then tried to tell ME that I had to leave the party... Then his dog shit on the floor.
What am I supposed to say? "Hi new uncle in law once I tried cocaine in Mexico and every once in a while i motorboat strangers. so happy to be a part of your family"
You don't have to have sex with both if us but I would like a little positive fucking regard.
Well I'm about 60% wine, 30% pure rage and 10% tears at the moment and I'm disappointed in how little alcohol is in me
Remember that guy I fucked last month? Well I'm watching his dog this weekend while he's in the Bahamas with his girlfriend. What is my life
I think it's your fault my nipples aren't sensitive anymore.
I got arrested FOR running from the cops. In college Dad got arrested and THEN ran from the cops. So it could be worse.
I didn't think you wanted your identity stolen along with your dignity. My mistake.
Randomize
