Tonight was fucked up. First my mom called me and told me I had to go to the bar to pick up my dad 'cause he was drunk. Then when I got there my dad was doing a body shot from this lady who happened to be my 1st grade teacher. By far the most awkward car ride home. Idk if I should tell my mom or not.
well, tey weren't taking lap dances as payment today
dude, mark had the least successful cab ride in history last night. took a cab to the bars, stopped at every atm in the city, none worked, then had to come back to the party to beg for 20 to pay the taxi that officially took him nowhere.
you dialed the number "23" then talked to it for three minutes
Well I will be attending the wedding with a flask of wine, potentially with a straw, and POM POMS for cheering purposes. Needless to say I will be well lubricated by your arrival..
Know what's awesome? Flying a mini helicopter while you shit.
Nothing quite says Coachella like me doing high yoga in the middle of a field by myself
I just threw in a dip with a guy that superglued his fake tooth back in today. My life is complete.
When he saw my tits he said "wow you should be proud.
So I deleted all the text from my phone, was looking for my mom's coffee order and show the coffee guy the pic of me eating pussy.
So is that the only criterion for shenanigans now? Don't die?
We set around a table in a hotel room and he spoon fed Molly to everyone there... I felt sketch for sec but then... Oh well.
I found a video of us drunkenly yelling "we wanna be the Pope" as we passed around the blunt
DO NOT PREHEAT THE OVEN THIS MORNING! WE STARTED USING IT AS A WINE STASH AROUND MIDNIGHT.
My boobs are too perky to pay that much for a car
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