I love you
are you drunk
yes but I def love you, we should get married
But I'm Jewish
embrace Jesus
There's a 34yo winking at me. Why do i find this weird when my bf is a 38yo married man?
I jacked off with the cucumber and then made that fatass a salad.
I think im drinking tonight later on...which is good cuz i walked pass the liquor aisle the other day and i swear i heard a kid call me a pussy
there's another hole in my ceiling...someone fell through the attic this time....
I found this letter on my leg this morning "dear sober self- we are one body now. It's weird but get used to it because it already happened" who the fuck is lionman?
She roared AMY HORNEY and hulk hoganed her shirt off. Fuckin marriage time bro
So mom called me from the hospital laughing her ass off. Apparently my sister is allergic to cocaine...
Technically, I traded a soft pretzel for sex last night...
Just keep in mind that she didn't start telling you you had the largest penis she had ever seen until AFTER she found out about your multi-million-dollar trust fund.
Also...I'm semi-dating the drug dealer that took me to bible study
First contact since we had sex and it's to get my HBO password. I sure pick winners huh
*6am blends another margarita* *615am blends straight tequila*
I kid you not. He let me in into his house, showed me the putt putt in his backyard. Offered to play me.
If those panties could talk.
"Once upon a time, Jenny got chlamydia from a magician. The end."
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