All I wanted to tell you is that I fucked a guy covered in fake blood, who circumcised himself.
this girl with a french braid down the center of her head won't stop talking about the benefits of the free market. i'm hungover, bloated and haven't slept for 4 days. shut up french braid girl, shut up.
I was trying not to text you this weekend, so I deleted your number when I was sober. Then auto restore at midnight. It was like drunk magic
He ran headfirst into the atm. Thenasmed us what our spirit animals were...he said his was either a dolphin or a cabbage
I'll be accepting presents in the forms of drinks, drugs, and orgasms. So any or all of those will be fine.
Okay, just a casual question: how did i manage to get grass stains on the inside of my bra?
I just saw a fat chick ask the bartender to top her corona off with grenandine cuz she has a "sweet tooth" no that's diabetes fatty
College: when you have to set an alarm to start drinking
When you get to his house tomorrow, follow your instincts. Find the cat first.
I promised him we could have sex if he would let me take him to the hospital to get stitches.
I had sex on the roof of the dorm last night ... I feel like a combination of spiderman and van wilder
You now have the mental image of me flying off into the sunset with no pants
You are the only person I know who has a fierce hatred for a five year old. Not even five year olds in general, yours is very specific
So changing channels while she's on top is frowned upon. It's back to thinking about baseball again.
You ate ashes out of my bong
Randomize
