Stephanie. Problem. I think if I had met Murphy before Ben I would have fucked him instead.
Don't worry about your Murphy feelings. I may have fucked him no matter what.
His facebook profile says he's interested in men, but i'm choosing to ignore that
He looks like the kind of guy that still collects pokemon cards
My RA just gave me tips on how to have discreet shower sex. Were we that loud?
Ah shit... I sleep-ate chocolate pudding again.
Dont tell her I prefer to have an aura of mystique surronding me and my penis.
She kicked in my bedroom door in only high-heals with a bottle of wine, announcing it was "cock-o-clock"
PS: when I ask you if I look fat in a a dress DO NOT TAKE YOUR SWEET ASS GAY TIME to formulate an answer only to tell me in front of our family that perhaps I should buy Spanx. Do you WANT me to tell mom and dad you suck cock? Then be a good brother and have the common decency to LIEEEEEE!!!!
They kept barging in on us saying random shit. At one point they came in yelling room service! and threw soda at us bruising my foot. Weirdest injury I have gotten during sex.
It was like a Thanksgiving meal, which you spend 8 hours cooking, and the family wolfs down in 20 minutes. All that flirting and build-up for like 90 seconds of pumping and he was gone in a flash, never to be heard from again.
I'm mopping my WALLS now. And talking to my mop. I literally just told it "yeah I kno that dirt doesn't wanna come off but were gonna get aren't we?" This is some good snow!!! mini maid needs to give it to their maids. The world would be spotless!!!!
The multiple male orgasm is a real thing. I've seen it. I've caused it. I called him a unicorn.
alright well Taco Bell Closes at 12 so you better pray to god she's asleep by then or I'm running in your house butt ass naked with a bag of tacos
And as drunk as I was I was able to show my mom how to make text italicized in Microsoft word
We need to get Harry and Lloyd's tuxedos from Dumb and Dumber. I feel like this is a vital thing that is missing from our lives.
Randomize
