Woke up with feathers in my hair. at work. still drunk. sooo awkward.
It was as awful as eating cow testicles on fear factor and not winning and realizing you ate balls for nothing.
Getting high on the stoop of a brownstone in the middle oh harlem. Doesn't get much more hey arnold than this.
I wish I could donate my sober boners to my whiskey dick
I drank almost a whole fifth last night. Woke up with blood everywhere wearing a "stereotype this" tshirt. How fitting
If we're like this now and women reach their sexual peak in their 30's, I can't even fathom what our futures hold.
I wouldn't take my shot so you poured it on my face. Twice.
I just want a teacup pet pig so I can take him to parties with me and never have to walk home alone again.
you fail at everything in life besides blacking out
I just slapped myself in the face with my dildo and I know that's a weird thing to share but I just had to tell to someone omg I'm laughing so hard
DELETE THAT VIDEO OF ME MAKING OUT WITH THAT RUG NOW
Drunk him got in a fight with his wife he literally bought a plane ticket and flew to Hawaii. He just called me and asked why I let it happen. From Hawaii hahaha.
I can't wait to get to LA so I can punch her in the face
I'm taking pictures of my asshole to send to my boss. This is not what I had in mind the day after thanksgiving.
Unless you want to see me masturbate, I think skype is a no go for now.
Randomize