My feet smell like cheese. Makes me hungry.
We were just talking bout putting on helmets and going fo a car ride just to see how ppl react. I will def fit in here haha
Both his mom and his sister were hitting on me when I stopped by today. He isn't a real friend anyway, right?
My contribution to the dinner party was a bottle of vodka and a bag of uncooked potatoes. I felt like a Russian serf.
It's pitch dark except for the glow sticks, someone turned the heat up as high as it would go and the bathroom is flooded. Also think I just stepped on someone's face.
I had him autograph the condom wrapper.
You'd be surprised how many calories hedonism burns.
Brunch got away from me. I might be a little high.
I snapchatted his face mid sex. Needless to say, I don't think I'll ever see him again.
I made him fuck me with my coat zipped up and a unicorn mask on. That level of drunk sex. Weird and creepy yet highly satisfying.
He ripped my sink off my bathroom wall and then threw up in it.
I had a sex dream about Fox Mulder, and the Royals just won the World Series. My life is complete.
All our friends are getting married, and I'm the dateless guy bringing molly to their weddings.
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
I broke my dick don't ask me how I need help putting in a catheter so I can piss.
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