Also my back is semi rug burned and I'm holding you fully responsible.
I would love to give you more rug burn
Very drunk. laura says hi. i can't find my pants. i think i'm in philly, but it might be jersey somewhere
you know how you have to have just the right ratio of chips to sandwich? same goes for pubes.
he called you a drunk bob the builder and you proceeded to explain how you were going to build ramps throughout the house
You are in charge of making sure that her vagina explodes with joy tonight.
Aside from the fact that there's a penis in my mouth, that's a pretty good picture of me
I guess wearing a straight up bikini to class is an early indication that Thirsty Thursday has started.
Jail wasn't bad. Was poppin Xanax the whole way there
Um please remind me to tell you what happened tonight. It involves wine, pain killers and firing a handgun in our apartment. Legit might be hiding from the cops this weekend.
How much morphine is too much? Keep in mind that I'm going to my graduation dinner with my parents.
Last night I got drunk on margaritas at an Irish pub and came home with only one shoe. I have to get my shit together.
You really know how to show Monday who's boss.
Running my fingers through my hair is like that scene from Patch Adams where the girl goes swimming in a pool of spaghetti. I love molly.
Just paid my weed guy with a check. I've got this whole adult thing down.
im on a boat
How did you get this number?
I just sent a Slack that autocorrected tomorrow to gonorrhoea. Please note that Slack autocorrect isn’t very good.
Randomize