T-minus about 54 seconds until I am too high to speak English.
I'm jealous
My throat feels like a candle.
What's the protocol on showing a video of me sucking the life out of my ex in order to prove beyond a doubt that I give great head???
had to split buying plan b over two cards. I will no longer challenge people to get on my level
The hot tub didn't work. But it's okay because we discovered just how many people you can fit in a bathtub.
It's not really the holidays until I raid the medicine cabinet. Happy hydrocodone to me
And a merry methadone to all
started my period, we have to try again next week
if we have anymore sex before that my dick is gonna fall off. that is in no way a complaint
its not like i called off work either time for the purpose of tripping, it was more like well, i have nothing to do now today, there is acid and im only human.. but twice
I just put bronzer on my abs to snapchat nudes. If that's not going hard I don't know what is
YOU BROUGHT HANDCUFFS TO THE WHITE ELEPHANT EXCHANGE AND DIDN'T TELL ME???
Grilled cheese and shark week. Unemployment done right.
I just moved my 11am hair appointment to 8am so I could blackout at noon. Who am I?
Dude. Got a sore throat. Don't know if it's because my body is rejecting Michigan or cause of the bad ass blow job I gave last night
Remember how we use to say "this will be the year I'll get my shit together!" And like we stopped doing that because we know that isn't happening anytime soon.
I may have just got motorboated by a male stripper who told me I should be a porn star and not a vet student.
I need an outfit that says "thanks for hiring me" but also says "i want dick in my mouth".
Randomize
