We video chatted for almost two hours. But I woke up with puke on my keyboard. The question of the day: were we still chatting when I vommed? No idea.
Katie Perry lied, you can't just wake up and shake the glitter off your clothes.
oral is when you put your mouth on someones privates and play moterboat or popsicle
not allowed to tweet this cos she's following me but i definitely just got head in a stairwell of the university of chicago. wanted you all to know.
Either seal the deal or get out of the room, I don't want to hide in this closet anymore
Realized I'm still to drunk to comprehend work emails. Marked them all as unread. Here's to responsible hang overs.
complete strangers are now referring to me as 'the bourbon guy.' i can live with this.
He asked me if I could call his penis destroyer... Uhh SOS.
It's a given that you're going to get peed on at a country concert
You don't want any of I have. Seriously. Its 80 proof rum that was 8 bucks for a liter. I'm afraid
I'm sure your liver is writing out a will as we speak
So...guess who had sex tied to the ladder of a caboose under the stars in Joshua Tree? This bitch
yeah, I don't think I'm getting into the baseball game tonight. The security guard definitely saw me bowl over that child.
I'm ready to get married, then we can lie around watching anime and eating pizza while he rubs baby oil on me
I almost tased myself
I dont think you should own that device.
It's an awesome device. I love this device.
I don't want the fire department to come out here twice in one weekend because of your god damn vape.
Randomize
