you told everyone your name was brenda and you had the whole party chanting b-dawgg by the end of the night. successful.
so she asked me if I thought she was fat and naturally I said no..... but I think she might catch on
who is she? I really hope you have an explanation cause either you think I'm fat or you're cheating on me
I feel like every car around me knows I'm driving in my snuggie
It was worse than when we pepper-sprayed my dick. I feel mislead.
Want me to give your number to an army recruiter?
I don't know... do you want me to use your number to sell used gay porn on Craigslist?
I sense beginning a prank war would end badly for both of us.
The slot machines are wishing me happy birthday. Mission success.
If shame burned calories, I'll be back to my birth weight by the end of this weekend.
I stole something. Which direction out are you guys gonna go
There is nothing quite so pathetic as sitting in bed in your underwear eating easy mac in complete silence, waiting for Netflix to load
I got propositioned to get involved with an engaged couple. I told them I didn't think my married couple would like me to see other couples...
I just found a reminder in my phone to ask you about your sex life in 7 years. So how is that going?
Masterbating to Tolstoy. You?
He's on the porch naked. Help.
I was drunk in the shower and i decided to shave. Im now bleeding to death
And, by “make you dinner” I mean “have lots of sex and multiple orgasms.” So you should probably eat something and before you come over
And hydrate too
Randomize
