My bottle opener just broke off in the cork
They don't teach how to cope w these situations in boy scouts
Take a Tylenol with a HUGE glass of water before you pass out, you'll thank me in the morning.
i dony have tylonal but i had a snickers and popcorn and a bottle of water and i am.. brushing my teeth!
My mom caught just caught me jerking off...in her room.
This lady in my dui class just asked what patron was. I feel like she doesn't belong here
If I don't wake up hungover in a ditch Monday morning I will consider my halloween a failure
No need to get angry I'm just tryin to get my door back
He always takes home straight guys. He plays One Night Stand on Ledgendary Mode
Would "deck the halls with penises " be an appropriate event title? I know peni is the plural but flow of the tongue as well
Dude. Went to buy some jack and sailor Jerry, when the guy at the counter realized it was my birthday everybody in the store including the stoners and the elderly sang to me. Then they gave me shots of moonshine. 21st bday was a success
Pulled over to puke on the way to sign closing papers on the house...Good sign of responsibility.
You were wearing a cookie monster onesie and telling everyone you were actually the sausage monster..
On the bright side I still got laid
I took out the emergency phone in the elevator and replaced it with a bottle of vodka. The game is simple, do a shot for the number of the floor you're going to. Best suggestion box tip ever.
I haven’t sent any nudes yet in 2018.
That’s not true...is it?
You can cuddle me. Word on the street is my ass is ridiculous.
And a hot pocket after we fucked. Heaven.
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