return my video game
my goal in life is to wake up with my underwear on
Right now im sitting at home and all i can think about is im eating calories and i should be out drinking them.
Just convinced airport security that im sober. All i do is win.
Sorry i'm not sorry i made out with your dad. It was father's day weekend, get a grip
Ordered weed last night from the delivery service, and who showed up...my old real estate broker. He said, "this is less stressful." Duh.
i'm pretty sure they aren't charging me for that window i broke with a turkey sandwich while i was hammered.
"The juvenile turned and faced the officer, unzipped his pants, placed a fresh cigarette in between his legs and preceded to light it with a match"
I can motorboat myself in this new push-up bra. I need to go out tonight.
yo btw licking skeptical coke off table right now
I just watched this dude try to convince this girl to go home with him. She was like, That's cute, you're cute.and she just walked away. Man I'm so not drunk enough to be around this level of sad.
When i was tripping hard i was banging Jeff's roommate and her room turned into Hogwarts
Also when we were banging i thought my high school librarian was perched up on top of the stereo like a gargoyle but it ended up just being her cat
That last one reminds me of the time we smoked that foot-long joint and by the time we'd finished we were so stoned we applauded it.
Oh shit that's not good dude. I'd head straight for Williamsport hospital the first ingredient in that shit is lithium batteries. You don't want to know what the second one is
just licked the cheese off a burger. that high.
Randomize
