Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
I guess so. I don't really give a fuck. I think I'm going to jerk off really loudly tonight just to keep them on their toes
I don't remember coming home but there is cereal EVERYWHERE
I know this may seem inappropriate, but are you gonna bring any blow to the wedding?
I dont think yelling "Grab your dicks, time for pics!" helped your case either.
i need to find a notary that isn't going to turn me in for blatantly lying to the us and chilean governments
I've awoken at 3am again, in a night terror, just thinking about how big his dick was.
Just think. Tomorrow you'll wake up, shower, and get your brains fucked out. That's your ice cream. Today is your peas and carrots.
thanks for being my moral compass. and thanks for not always pointing north so i can be slutty and not feel bad about it.
I just want him to come back from NOLA alive, without an arrest record or stripper glitter on his clothes...
Those seems like unreasonable expectations for a bachelor party honestly...
The "don't have sex with him again" alerts you set on my phone just started going off.
Good. "Seriously, don't do it" should start in about five minutes.
You're officially the most high maintenance man I've ever had inside me.
You could totally spank that new found Catholicism out of him.
You made noises. And kept meowing. I have a twenty minute phone call to prove it.
After 3 parties, all of them busted, and 4 field sobriety tests, I AM the cop whisperer
Randomize
