I just crawled out of a second story window using a sheet and his clothes for a rope so he wouldn't wake up.
I am so glad I watched Macgyver as a kid.
Do you know how easy it would be to shoplift if I was a magician?!
Is it appropriate to get drunk, stand up at the wedding and make a toast to "the time the lovely bride asked me to come on her chest"?
our generation is not ready to get married
Well I knew we were drunk when I told you it was a good idea to shit in the ocean
I let him watch sportscenter while we fucked. How did he repay me? I'm now missing class to get a shot in the ass for the clap. You and I are getting wasted and keying someone's car this weekend.
Well my grandma put the turkey in the oven for 4 hours and didn't have the oven on.
Explaining that I bought them at a strip club gift shop with my friend didnt make the furry handcuffs seem less weird
Going to the ER, I'll explain later but apparently drunk me isn't allergic to peanut butter.
Just don't let me get too drunk. At one point I pulled out my dick and pissed at that party. Like on the wall.
I only get hit on by people going through their midlife crisis. Yes, I did purposely write that gender neutral.
Watching Supernatural does more for me sexually than the physical encounters with 90% of the men in my life.
I'm texting you know although you won't get this until you wake up. the only reason you are strapped to your bed is because you were trying to fly out your window.
Got wasted in a little tiki hut by the beach yesterday. Woke up with a coconut and half of a mushroom burger in my purse. I also have a picture of our Romanian bartender's fingernails on my phone lol
Why do you always wake up with meat in your purse?
Is she blowing you? I'm in the closet.
he told me he had a gf and in the very next sentence asked if I wanted to have sex.
Randomize
