when people say theyve been sober for however many years is that like couple beers not drunk sober, or no drinking sober?
I need to buy a mesh tank top to fit in in Florida. Where do they even sell that shit?
I just tried to light a cigarette with a tube of lipstick. If I had stayed in girl scouts maybe I could've made that happen.
She makes me want to eat babies and throw kittens in pots of boiling water.
STOP LICKING HIS MUSTACHE
one renamed every person in my phone 'I lpvw tewqils', so it would really help me out if you could text me your name. Happy sunday!
I didn't think four grown drunk men could cuddle on a twin size bed, but we found a way.
downside - we got stuck at the intersection before the santa clause parade started and had to wait for it to end. upside - i got frontrow seats and a blow job to the santa clause parade.
Did you clean his pubes up off the table yet?
Thanks for fingering me to orgasm during Wu-Tang Clan
Had weird bad dreams about you last night. Please tell me you didn't google my real surname and that you don't go to a needle exchange.
I like to oil my gears with cheap vodka and strangers
There are only a few things more freaky than wandering around a zoo drunk.
Sorry you saw my balls. Pregame includes a lot of shaving.
That confirms what we've all known all along. I'm a bad gay. I have no fashion sense.
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