Just saw my gyno in public. Weird to see her hands outside of my vagina.
he went down on me with a nose plug on, you tell me how it went
Drunk versus high capture the flag: what team is everybody gonna be on?
we went from five shot glasses to three in one night. we lost 'badass' and gumbi, but the ninja turtle survived. courtney says to avoid any more casualties we're not allowed to use shot glasses past 1am. and we're not allowed to throw them
I have a physical this friday. On a scale from 1-10, 10 being the most judgemental gay bashing, how much judgement am I gonna get from my dr when he checks my balls and sees the cherry tattoo
totally just stole a 24 pack straight out of the miller truck
God dammit. My lube leaked all over my passport
Hi please disregard the last text and if you'd like our entire interaction
Done
We were just getting out tux's at men's warehouse he pulled both of the fitting room girls. I dont think he should be getting married
You will bone me until my eyeballs fall out. This is not a request.
It's technically 2016 but since I haven't gone to bed I'm still counting it as 2015, so I'm gonna drink all the alcohol in my house so tomorrow I can become the better version of myself that I'll be for 5 minutes.
I'm eating chocolate cake while this guy snaps me from the gym. Like I cant believe i actually considered getting rid of this cake. Have fun sweating ima eat this cake 👌
Don't worry about me. I am infinite.
Sorry I had sex in your backseat while everyone was in the car
It's quite alright. I found his shorts in my backseat, not sure what he was wearing when we dropped him off
There's even glitter on my cock...
Randomize
