So, I woke up to an empty bottle of scotch and a dead car. The last thing I remember are the strippers being mad at me. Awesome night.
Feels good to be wearing underwear again though...
I caught myself masturbating while watching a baseball game today. It was over before I realized what was going on. And then I was just confused.
i checked my sent messages this morning and i had apparently tried to text the bar, saying "idk what i drank, do you?"
I just ate a whole pineapple for lunch. You should be begging to give me a bj tonight.
Please get rnbert tn get chebk h'm in i'm no dead when he getr gome
no i brought the cat to the bar. I got a weird look when I walked in but now everyone loves her.
I just feel like I should give it a rest. I'm too old to be drinking bottles of grey goose and falling into koi ponds.
Is it penis luge time yet?
Wow, nothing is more special than changing the channel and seeing the guy who groped you on Saturday night...
She followed me back, then proceeded to find my room, get her panda suit on? And then raid my room and pass out on my couch... what the fack do I do now?!?!
If I woke up in a pillar of smoke I suppose that's a sign right
How I know that I'm single: when I get a save the date for a wedding & I read "& guest" my first thought was does my bottle of Jack Daniels count.
Would it defeat the purpose of a run if I ran to McDonalds?
He's asking how tall I am he wants to make a body suit out of me
Psssh like you wouldn't lick BBQ sauce off my nipples.
Randomize
