I got vodka in my stocking. Having an alcoholic mom has paid off.
Dude, she uses Old Spice. It smelled like I was eating out my grandfather.
I am sitting on the floor by my oven watching my cookie dough blossom. This is a whole new level of fat
Btw, I'm creating an event on fb to celebrate the one yr anniversary since we went to jail.
You know, it doesn't really count as a walk of shame if you guys showered together the next morning
It was that same situation where "cuddling on the floor" was actually just code for "rough shameful hate sex" hahaha.
And I might get them triple pierced after that
Damn, I didn't realize you'd declared war on airport metal detectors
I just call them the hipster frat because they wear shirts other than pastel polos and listen to MGMT while playing dice.
I had to have the guy I went out with last night come pick me up from the hotel the next morning after I ditched him for a firefighter..don't even talk to me about a walk of shame
Yeah ok. We can maid of honor each other since you don't like my boobs enough to lesbian marry me
Ran up to the dollar store to get batteries for my vibrator. Happy Valentines Day!
you tried to drunkinly do the backflip kick off of karate kid and broke the big screen
Ya i'm marrying the man who can hear/smell this level of flatulence and stick around
My law teacher drew an elephant on the board in class. I was so high that I laughed for 5 minutes straight. Nobody else laughed and everyone stared. 130 people knew I was high.
Then you screamed in her face to shut up about thick thighs saving lives because actually they can suffocate people during oral sex
Drunk me is very safety conscious And apparently just as annoyed by her as sober me
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