conclusion of the day: americans need to get on tredmills, people need to learn how to flush toliets and learn how to pee in then instead of on them, and waiters shouldnt tell their life stories to customers.
I just found 51 cents in my bed. Did you leave me a tip?
I need a good reason NOT to eat this entire jar of nutella right now
Let's just go topless and paint glitter over our nipples who the fuck cares
I miss the days of selfishly blowing a load in the condom without her knowing and acting all like "we shouldn't do this" so she would get dressed and leave.
I can promise you that this new years eve will rival the one from senior year when we got that exchange student deported.
I'm glad they extended train service last night. People crying, screaming, throwing up, fighting and peeing themselves on a train made me feel like I've got my shit together.
I found a lucrative side business - giving rides home to drunk oil executives. Very profitable.
Gas station champagne. And before you say anything I'll have you know it's imported. From California. So get fucked.
This heat and humidity do not mix with these braless DDs and a tank top at a BBQ.
I would steal a car if I knew it had wheat thins in it
is it necessary to steal the whole car?
On your day off do you wanna get wine drunk and take a few episodes of Jerry Springer way too seriously with me?
I pretended to be blind and he pretended to be my assistant and long story short, we had to buy that bra and panty set, and now we're both banned from Victoria's Secret AND I have a cum stained demi cup.
I guess I was telling girls last night that I was a virgin with terminal cancer again
I would but he’s not speaking to me because I put ketchup in his socks.
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