If I don't come home tonight, I've died in a pile of gay.
If I were a boy, I'd name my penis Reptar.
rolled in at 7am w/ 2 girls i met at the strip club. my neighbor was getting up to mow the lawn before he took his kids to school. i'm 31. he's younger. if given the chance, you think he'd want to switch places?
did the walk of shame from ex-boyfriend's room only to find other ex-boyfriend sitting in the living room. some people shouldn't be allowed to be friends.
some people shouldn't be allowed to be desperate.
Everything smells like syrup. But I guess that's better than last time when everything smelled like beer.
I pulled down his boxers and a 20 dollar bill fell out. I'm telling you, the blowjob fairy EXISTS
eat the baked goods on the counter at your own risk... i made them while i was angry and drunk so they most likely have pubes in them
I am sweating out the vodka to make room for the whiskey tonight.
....I found a picture of what appears to be the underneath side of the barstool (taken from the floor) and to top that, 9 pictures of the ceiling. Also, did I mention there's a picture with us posing with a pregnant lady at the bar?! WELP
This dude has my number from April last year. Drunk me left sober me a puzzle. No confirmation of pants off business
You had a hot dog outside the bar then made me stop at McDonald's for a double quarter pounder. I'd say you've more than filled your drunken meat quota.
I've never felt more disgusting in my life. And I'm including the time I snuggled that homeless woman in the puddle of my whiskey vomit.
So you called me the queen of nudes yesterday and I'm still not sure how I feel about it
You were supposed to catch herpes, not feelings!!!
Tell me you're alive little brother. And please tell me you didn't get arrested. You made no fucking sense last night in your random texts and pictures you were sending me.
Randomize
