i realized my work ethic and productivity really improves if i masturbate on my lunch break.
And then she said we stopped for a train and i tried crawling out the back window.. again, i dont remember this.
I woke up around 30 bottles of beer, with a piece of aluminum foil in my hand, that had "you Win" Wrote in sharpie..
2 am we went back to his house. his mom handed us beers and cooked us pancakes. the next morning his dad had washed my car. i lied. living at home after college definitely does not suck.
she might purposely get aids just to give it to you. I think she might hate you that much.
He managed to light the Jello on fire...
Just made a coke joke and literally drooled on myself. How do we feel about pavlov's theory of conditioning now?
So. How about you can get tequila certified...
VAL. THIS MOTHERFUCKER IS LAYING IN MY BED WEARING A CAT SHIRT, VAL. COME SAVE ME, VAL.
You've seen the quality of dick pics I normally get. The bar is high.
I almost had sex in a public restroom last night in case you're wondering how much of a mess 22 is for me
Well, i'm not hugging a bag of cheetos and crying while I watch Friends wishing that we were Ross and Rachel. So clearly I'might doing better than last night.
Fuck. I think I can already feel tomorrow's hangover. It's like future me cane back to warn present me about the impending doom but didn't turn the time dial back far enough.
I have a mailbox and I don't know why.
About that photo of the cake you just sent. You do realize it’s on a glass table, right? We can all see your reflection in it, and you’re very obviously naked.
Randomize
