btw ... thanks for not giving me up as the craigslist killer
i owe you one
thanks for snagging those panties for me
Yeah, but thats the third time she's peed on me.
Dipping chips in queso and thinking of your beautiful face
I'm at the bar and they've turned up lady gaga to cover the sound of the fire alarm.
He took me by the hand and ordered me to make him vodka soup.. I think I like him?
Your last day of twenties? OK. Then I'll give you til midnight. Then you turn into a pumpkin. A big, 30 year old pumpkin.
Currently trying to figure out if the guy has a cane next to me or brought a weird dildo to the bar
I walked into a McDonalds at 8:30 am with a half-eaten apple and a solo cup. Never felt so judged.
It's gameday bitch. Man up.
Find me a cup with a lid so I can illegally drink in your car. I'll be there in bout 10 minutes.
I'm about to take my 7th shot and I have to to go to dinner with my grandma in an half hour. What is my life.
Is it possible to be sexually attracted to someone's hair?
Walked into the bathroom and saw a Minion eating out Harley Quinn so this Halloween will be hard to top.
My husband was abducted by a group of disco dancers in the parde and danced off down the street. If you see him, tell him to Hustle on home and clean the cat box. #MardiGras
And then he tried to convince me that he could wear a condom instead of pants to go out.
And I’m prepared, because I'm in it to win it (and by win I mean get railed hard)
Randomize
