life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
found: crazy homeless guy quoting Quagmire lines to every chick he sees. i think i win the scavenger hunt.
then I woke up and felt a boner that wasn't even mine. never taking 3am vodka again
I must say your penis is just as photogenic as you
After seeing how much you are able to funnel in a night, I am 90% sure your blood is pure gin.
Okay. thanks for sacraficing your body and risking aids for our snowcone business.
I was jumping over your garbage can screaming "Im a snow cat!!" ..Who wouldn't want to see that?
As if I didn't already know that I was in the friend zone, our conversation that included the words "kiddo" and "old friend" really was a knee biter.
I'm running late...how do you explain period shits to your boss?
I'm sorry for getting drunk and throwing a robo-bird at you.
look, my penis is an amusement park, and it's closed for maintenance. why can't you just accept that?
Jungle juice breakfast? No? Ok.
I just got to my parents hungover as hell. My dad could tell and said "theres only one cure for a hangover" and handed me a beer. This morning went from a 0 to 10 in an instant.
Shit happens dude.
Shit doesn't just HAPPEN on the kitchen floor you asshole.
The waxing lady fingered me during my brazilian. 40 dollars well spent
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