Just saw truck nuts on a handicap conversion van
you drank 3/4s of your half gallon of vodka, made a fort out of the kitchen table, and actaually had sex in in it.
You see.... Im at the point in my life where pissing in a toilet is a luxury for me
At least I cut out the pieces of your hair where I braided gum into it last night. Thank me later.
I woke up to my dog puking on my bed. Looks like it was a successful night for us all.
This is most sickening thing I've ever seen, and I threw up my body weight in jello shots on my birthday.
Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.
Wanna get really high and go on a Valentine's Day Sexathon cause we're both single or would that be weird?
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
I WANT PIZZA BUT I ALSO WANT SELF ESTEEM
BUT LIKE WHO AM I TO EVER CARE ABOUT SELF ESTEEM
Yup, two strangers look up at each other and realize the only connection they have is the dead woman they banged to death below them. Magic. They have to be best friends now.
We were in bed, and he looked at me and asked if I'd be weirded out if he took his leg off. BEST.SEX.EVER.
I just want to smoke weed and be the little spoon all winter. My modern day hibernation.
Remind me to NEVER AGAIN mix beer with tequila with beer with whiskey with vodka with rum with vodka.
I don't want too, lol. I'm currently awaiting my next period like its the second coming of christ
Randomize
