How long do you think herpes can live on chapstick?
I can't wait to get all this Makers out of my shoe.
Security brought me back to our hotel room in a wheelchair last night. Vegas.
And if you ever tell anyone that I will fucking kill you.
Found a guy passed out on the coffee table with a thong duct taped from ear to ear.
do you know how much drugs we can buy now that you got that raise at work
I was drunk petting a fox and taking shots of Jager. That's about as outdoorsy as it gets.
An don't say it's "personal preference" cause I don't buy it. I just want to have normal cool guy balls. I don't want to be the dude that's still rocking the equivalent of the "mid 90's bowl cut" of scrotum haircuts.
It's not an office Christmas party until your boss confesses his undying love for your boyfriend...
We fucked like animals and then decided we actually liked each other so then we made love. It's a match made in heaven.
I might be the strongest willed bouncer ever. Earlier tonight a girl flashed me trying to get in. I just replied "Sorry I'm gay", she believed me and left.
As much as my throat was opened up this weekend, you'd think I wouldn't nearly choke on a damn almond.
We fucked. Had a political debate. I won. So I sat on his face.
I just used a coke ridden $20 bill to buy Girl Scout cookies
This girl in my class is lecturing my professor about zombies. It has been going on for 15 minutes.
Zombies?
Zombies.
I'm a history major and he's the descendant of TWO presidents. Did you really think I wasn't going to sleep with him?
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