She's in the bathroom crying cuz she can't get the condom out of her giner. Do you have tongs?
dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
I call it my summer of slut; except summer lasts from May until December. It's been incredibly successful
Housing is going to charge us for any broken dishes/glassware. Steal as many glasses as you can from the bars tonight. I got the baking dish and 3 plates covered.
I think as far as last words to bitter ex girlfriends go, "enjoy that staph infection youre about to get in your uterus" is right up there with the best
We've completely outdone ourselves. We packaged a collective total of six grams of pot and salvia into little bowl-sized tinfoil capsules. It's totally impossible to tell which is which without comparing, every Friday from now on we pick one out and see what the fuck happens
our flight took off 8 am and the bar didn't close til 5, so we decided it was a good idea to just stay out all night. Drunk logic is awesome. We were all scared we wouldn't get let onto the plane
About to go out with the girl of my dreams tonight. I am looking at one of her hottest fb pics, to practice not looking at her huge tits.
I just made cupcakes.... Vodka icing. Results in the morning.
Drunken snow shoveling. Visiting my family is starting to become a seriously risky venture.
Up until today, I never would have thought I'd have to tell someone not to color on the cat
Yeah he told me he wanted a serious relationship, but he's posting pictures of his dick on Kik.
We took your mom out drinking and we wound up winning 18 games of Flip Cup. You have amazing genetics.
I got a hand job after work. Remember those? From the 90s...
it's a rainbow of FUCK YOU
Randomize
