Just passed a strip club with a Marquis sign that said 'tis the squeezin'
I knew you were drunk when you poured scotch on a croissant and ate it.
Is it bad that John just came to my work to have sex with me bc I felt bad that he slept on his porch last night locked out and I missed all his calls?
I drunk madeout with my mom last night. it's guna be an awkward breakfast.
I gave ten strangers a full description of his penis and its abilities. I need to stop drinking.
I'm playing a game where i judge myself by whats in my cart. Also have 3 bright red giant buckets
He pulled a potato out of his bag in the library. A WHOLE FRIGGIN POTATO. He ate it like it was an apple and waved at the librarian as she stared at him.
mary just dropped the yahtzee dice in her wine. and shes throwin em like shes on a craps table.
hahahaha slap the bag.
I think the world is coming to an end. Earthquakes, huricanes, floods, and now you say you LOVE him. Im building a shelter and going into hiding.
You may have cured my horniness. I feel like my libido just got shat on by kittens who live on an enchanted rainbow.
Until then we have the self affirmation from retweets and nights alone with pizza..
Jumanji is 1000% better stoned while cooking breakfast.
At what point in life does one make the conscious decision to incorporate capes into everyday life? Like, as a fashion statement?
I'm not sure how to answer that. Is it a general question or one you're wondering about for yourself? Because I don't think you're there yet.
Going through my bras is like traveling back in time through my past hookups and relationships....
I miss all the tiny banana hammocks... When can I go back to ogling? I can do it from a lot farther than six feet without any complaints.
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